*blinks* …. oh hello…. there you are!
Sorry I’ve been gone a while. Been buried, had the big dissertation to do. I just got done with it. Yes, just. An hour ago, to be exact. It’s all printed out, sitting on my desk next to me, and I can’t help but keep stealing glances at it. I wrote THIS? all this? 20,000 words, printed out, 65 pages, takes on a life that it just doesn’t have when its just a word file and there’s only one page on the screen at once. Page 65 of 65 in the corner doesn’t have the same emotional resonance as a stack of nice freshly printed paper with your words on it. And it’s a big stack. A whole cm high.
Its not actually that much. The PhD thesis will be four times this amount. I find that really hard to imagine at this point. I keep looking at the pile and trying to imagine having written 80,000 words. And certainly anyone who’s ever written a book will be going 20k? and be trying very hard not to smile behind their hands. Not in a condescending way, but they’ll smile nonetheless. And I have no doubt that in three years, maybe slightly more, I’ll be stealing glances at a much higher stack and wondering what that look like, all bound in hardcopy. And so on with each new piece of work. The size isn’t the point. The journey is the point.
Other than the sheer wonder at actually having written this thing (please pause, while I admire my stack again) … I’m not actually sure how i feel about this. A bit sad, perhaps. Very tired, definitely. Not in the sense of OMG-I-could-sleep-for-a-week, but in the sense of just being mentally worn out. And I suppose, a bit scared. Its beginning to hit me, just what a monumental undertaking I’ve signed up to do. I’m trying very hard not to think about that. Its a bit like running a marathon I guess (not that I’ve ever done one of those!). if you think about all those miles in one go and just how far it is, you never get off the couch in the first place, never mind putting on your shoes. But if you think in terms of baby steps, in terms of just putting on the shoes and showing up, they seem more doable. Show up, run 10 steps. then another ten, and another. and before you know it, you’re wrapping those shiny blankets round you and cursing the blisters. So it is with this. Write this paragraph, then the next, just one more today, then another day. and so on.
Other than the …wow… I wrote this?… feeling, how do I think it is? I’m proud of it. I think its a good piece of work. I think it’s better than my undergrad dissertation, if I’m honest. The markers might disagree, but that’s out of my hands. Might see if I can work some of it up in to article(s). One eye on the ol’CV/REF and all that. Definitely worth doing.
A number of newly minted doctors have written about the post-viva come-down, of having obsessed over, achieved and worked so hard towards the goal and suddenly, theres nothing there, and the psychological need to prepare for that gaping absence. I think there’s a bit of that going on. On the one hand, I’m looking forward to having my life back. I’ve missed blogging, I’ve definitely missed having flexibility to do things mid-day like go for a walk. Rationally, I know that working at the intensity I have been doing for the last few weeks is going to lead to burnout very rapidly, but at the same time, there’s a purity in that dedication. Tomorrow, though, I have to pick up the reins of life. I have articles to review, a talk to write (for next week), and then I get close to a two week break before my PhD begins. I’m not sure how much of a break I’ll take though. I’ll take it easy, sure, but I’m excited about the PhD, and honestly, eager to crack on with it.
So, I guess, time to say goodbye to the MA, and say hello to the PhD.
Excuse me… I have a stack I need to admire once more. 🙂